Behold the Kickmen is a football game made by someone who has no understanding of, or interest in, what is affectionately known as "The Wonderful Game". Start at the bottom of the Big Boring Football Spreadsheet and grind your way up to become the best at the football anyone's ever seen.
Very Positive
521 Steam reviews
| LANGUAGE | AUDIO | SUBTITLES | INTERFACE |
|---|---|---|---|
| English | Y | Y | Y |
Really funny game.
It's basically a "football" game with a funny story, but the football rules are thrown out of the window and replaced with some absurdity, with circular pitch, offside meaning something entirely different, scoring 2 or 3 pointers if you score from longer distances, and all that funny stuff.
You have a team, by winning games you advance to higher leagues, and your goal is to finally beat the best team in the world. You earn money by chaining skills on the pitch to make combos, then scoring a goal to cash in the accumulated value. Between matches you can upgrade your team skills with the earned money.
I really recommend it. It's cheap and short (unless you change the number of teams in a league when you start the game), but very entertaining.
EDIT. I noticed it only after I completed the game. In the main menu, you can click on the ball icon in the right bottom corner of the screen (above the version number) to change the atmosphere of the game to upbeat music and differently dressed characters. It also adds blood effect when players tackle each other.
Completely worth its price. It is a not-so-serious football game, mostly based on the old FIFA 94 with some wacky upgrades that make it faster and more fun. But I have problems with the game not seeing my controller, and it is a little bit janky to play on keyboard-mouse. Also, it doesn't have any coop. That's a miss oppurtinity. But it is a true hidden gem that is worth discovering!
*Behold the Kickmen*
*Behold the Kickmen* is a football game made by someone who clearly looked at football once, shrugged, and said, “Yeah, I think I get it.” The result is a chaotic, intentionally wrong sports game that treats the beautiful game like an awkward party game with legs. If *FIFA* is a serious broadcast, *Behold the Kickmen* is a drunk commentator yelling from the couch.
Matches are weird, floaty, and unpredictable. Players trip over themselves, passes go nowhere, and goals feel more like happy accidents than skillful plays. That’s the point. The game leans hard into satire with over-the-top commentary and bizarre story moments, making it more about laughing at football than mastering it. Just don’t expect the mechanics to deepen much - once you’ve seen the joke, you’ve mostly seen the game.
This is not a competitive sports title. It’s a comedy game that *happens* to involve kicking a ball. Play it in short bursts, preferably when you want something light, silly, and very un-FIFA.
✅ Pros
* Genuinely funny if you enjoy absurd, self-aware humor
* A refreshing break from hyper-serious sports sims
* Easy to pick up zero football knowledge required
* Short and cheap, good for quick sessions
❌ Cons
* Gameplay gets repetitive fast
* Controls feel clumsy by design
* No multiplayer, which feels especially odd for a sports game
* If the humor doesn’t land, there’s not much left
⭐ Verdict:
*Behold the Kickmen* is best for players who want to laugh *at* football, not play it seriously. Think of it as a comedy sketch stretched into a game entertaining, weird, and best enjoyed before the joke wears off.
Some people would say it's the dumbest football game ever made.
But I say Behold the Kickmen is the best football game ever made, thanks to it being a parody rather than a simulation, which creates its own identity.
Love it!
ค** บอทเพื่อนร่วมทีมอย่างโ-่ บอลจะเข้าโกลได้ 2-3 แต้ม เ-ือกรับบอลหน้าโกลได้แต้มเดียว
หลายรอบมาก ๆ ควบคุมก็ลำบาก
ถอนแ-่ง -ูไม่ทนละ
-------------------------------------
เกมเพลย์งง ๆ ไม่ลื่นไหล และน่าหงุดหงิด
ใช้เมาส์ควบคุมลำบาก
ฟาร์มหนัก มี 300,000 กว่า ก็ยังอัพไม่เต็ม
โกลเราอ่อนกว่าฝ่ายตรงข้าม
ถ้าขี้เกียจฟาร์ม[spoiler]
1. เปิด C:\Users\[name]\AppData\LocalLow\Size Five Games\Behold the Kickmen\TeamProfiles.txt ด้วย HxD
2. ค้นหา 47 6F 61 6C 73 54 6F 53 70 65 6E 64 0A 00 00 00 FF 56 08 A8 E2 (มันคือ GoalToSpend)
3. แก้ไข แปดตัวเลข/อักษรด้านหลัง E2 ท้ายสุดของข้อ 2 โดยใช้เลขฐาน 16 และจัดวางตามตัวอย่างด้านล่าง
ตัวอย่าง ปรับเงินเป็น 300,000
ฐาน 16 : 00 04 93 E0
ที่ใช้จริง : E0 93 04 00
[/spoiler]
It's funny and easy to get all achievements. Buy it when is on sale.
The game looks fun, but luck is the dominant factor. While it features many mechanics, the outcome ultimately depends on the AI of both your team and the opponents. The matches are short and can often lead to frustration. It's a shame that it doesn't reward player's skill more.
Behold the shaite, as English would say.
Humor is pretty good, game itself is okay. Still better than FIFA or EA garbage could ever be.
A silly, quick, and sometimes irritating game. Probably an amazing SteamDeck game you can have some fun with while travelling.
Not a perfect game, but easily worth $4
[h2]This is just like real football: unbearably stupid.[/h2]
If you want to pay £60 to watch me play a match, let me know in the comments. Good game, would recommend.
It's funny but it gets too easy once you upgrade your team. Luckily it's quite short, so you can beat it before it gets too repetitive.
kendine özgü bir futbol oyunu keyifli ve komik yapısı var zaman geçirmelik ideal
As someone who hates football I enjoyed this. The game rules and surrounding narrative show utter contempt for the game, the clubs, the players, the fans and just about everything surrounding the game. It's necessary to endure a few really bad games until you start to level up your team, then it starts to vaguely resemble a videogame about football. I _think_ anyone who genuinely likes football will hate this.
La premisa parece buena, aparentando un juego de fútbol desenfadado, y el toque de humor de 'no me interesa el fútbol' tiene su aquel, pero tarda poco en volverse tedioso.
El gameplay pronto se vuelve repetitivo y no hay alicientes que incentiven el jugar porque sí una vez acabado el modo historia, el cual dura entre 2 y 3 horas. Los únicos añadidos durante el partido son unos relojes que caen por el campo que alargan el tiempo de juego y un 'fuera de juego' que expulsa a un jugador si le pilla con la posesión en la zona roja cuando acaba un limitador de tiempo. Nada más.
Siendo un juego centrado en el modo un jugador, como recalca el desarrollador en la descripción del producto, podrían haber pulido mucho más la inteligencia artificial del rival. O no hacen absolutamente nada y se quedan mirando o se ponen en modo Pelé haciendo pases a la velocidad del rayo metiendo goles desde medio campo. No hay punto intermedio.
Por su parte, la música es horrorosa y los efectos de sonido son malísimos. He tenido que bajar todo el volumen al mínimo, porque resulta molesto.
Por último, señalar que si juegas en modo Big Picture, hay que quitar la compatibilidad de Steam con los mandos o directamente no funcionará el mando en el juego.
En definitiva, una completa decepción.
Gioco carino per intrattenersi per qualche oretta. C'è qualche problema di riconoscimento del controller, in tal caso basta ricollegare il controller durante la partita. Per il arcade sportivo molto divertente.
I came. I saw. I kicked the men. Indeed, the plot and justice demands you kick, as hard as you can...
It's a fun little time waster, but really pay attention to the description and tutorial; it's not really football, and trying to play it as such may explain some of the reviewers who found it too hard. Instead, treat it as the silly take on the national sport it is, and focus on showing off and earning money from fans who want to be entertained, which you cash in via Doing A Goal.
Don't take the occasional CPU insanity seriously either; the Goldkeepers who protect the bank are deliberately rubbish, and so once you get the sense of how to Do The Goal, you'll find you almost never lose; the 2 times I've played it from scratch on default difficulty, years apart and so I had to learn anew, I only ever lost one match each time, and beat the entire Big Boring Football Spreadsheet in 3 hours. Which is an ideal length as it lets you see the entire narrative without it overstaying it's welcome, and a most amusing narrative it is. As long as you aren't too puritanical about waving your football rattle about!
Wirkt ganz witzig, aber für mich leider unspielbar. Die Controller-Steuerung funktioniert nur im Tutorial und im normalen Spiel dann nicht mehr! Die Alternative wäre natürlich mit Maus und Tastatur, aber das funktioniert auch nicht wirklich.
in the process of making a game that makes fun of sports games, Size Five accidentally made... a good arcade sports game. it's not exactly soccer -- it's closer to Powerball for the Sega Genesis. but it's addictive, easy to pick up, and as a bonus, it has some incredibly funny writing.
A CRIME AGAINST FOOTBALL HAS BEEN COMMITTED. (but it is not this game. which you should play! it's A LOT of fun for $4.)
ไม่ค่อยได้มาตรฐานเท่าไหร่ เล่นไปคือไม่มีอะไรเป็นของตัวเองเลยแต่ทีมที่เจอระดับโหดๆทั้งนั้น ถ้าไม่เล่นนานๆเพื่อปั๊มตังเอาไปอัพสกิลแล้วไปสู้กับทีมอื่น คือคุณจะไม่มีอะไรเอาไปสู้กับทีมอื่นๆเลย
เอาตรงๆนะ 99 บาทที่ซื้อเกมนี้เอาไปซื้อเกมอื่นตอนลดราคาคุ้มกว่า 555
8/10
Not a game I enjoyed.
The gameplay just gets dull after a while, and the difficulty curve can be very annoying. You have to grind to be able to be on par with the harder teams.
The story is there, but even the game asks if you want to skip it. I just didn't enjoy it all that much.
You can skip this one.
Behold the Kickmen is an indie sports game that was free on Fanatical in December 2022. According to its own description, it was made by someone with no understanding or interest in football. Yes, the game calls it football, not soccer. As someone who knows nothing about football (and has no interest in it whatsoever) this was obviously exactly the right game for me to try.
I think the cartoony art style fits the game, but the music wasn't my taste at all. The dubstep soundtrack in the main menu is rather annoying.
The controls seem simple enough, but it's harder than it appears. I struggled whenever the game automatically changed which player I was using. Early on the enemy AI felt overwhelming. You start with limited abilities which makes it even harder. The AI could steal the ball with ease, while my tackles needed perfect alignment to land. Shooting also takes some getting used to; more power means a stronger shot, but too much and your aim goes completely off. My goals mostly felt like accidents, and I missed way more than I scored. Really annoying at times, but I was still having fun.
Campaign mode starts you in the bottom league at rank 20. You need to climb the ranks by winning matches. A win moves you up one rank, while a loss sends you down. This means you could end up right where you started. The few dialogue lines and tutorial are pretty funny and give the game some character.
Winning matches isn't just about scoring goals; you also need to keep the audience happy. Passing the ball between players builds the audience meter, which earns money for team upgrades. Upgrades to stamina, goalkeeping, and other skills become important as things get harder, especially near the end. The good news is you can adjust both difficulty and match length in the settings.
Bah, no merece la pena ni regalao. Te echas un rato y ya lo has visto, solo sirve si quieres farmear logros (si es que vale para algo), ya que se sacan rápido, pero el juego en cuanto echas un partido ya te dan ganas de no volver a jugar.
Son: Mom can we buy fifa?
Mom: No, we have fifa at home.
*Fifa at home*
6/10
I don't like soccer games, but apparently the creator of this one either. The controls are easy enough to follow, but what's interesting is the story behind the game play. Overall, I don't see a reason to play it again after completing it, however I don't consider this 5 hours wasted.
Better than fifa 7.5/10
-S0YxSauCe
Nice!
Better than FIFA/Football Club
This is a game based on a funny joke. Which is fine, great even, but it goes on too long without good gameplay to back it up. The AI is capable of passing it around much faster than you, and to opposite sides of the field. This is a problem, because the character swapping takes some time to catch up, so if you hold the tackle button, you have no idea if you are in the right position, who you're talking with, or even who will have the ball by that time. That sucks, because there is no way to cancel and if you miss you're locked out of playing for the next several seconds.
Theres a bug where you can't interact with the ball for the first few seconds after half time. The other team is guaranteed to get it, and you can't even tackle them until the lockout time is finished. There's a bug where the game will continue after the final whistle, and then it makes you redo the match. Since the pass and shoot buttons are the same button, sometimes you mean to pass on the helpful pass lines, but the game decides nope, you're going to kick instead. No option to cancel.
Watch someone else play a few matches, you'll get just as much enjoyment, while saving time and money. The idea behind the game and some of the dialog are legitimately funny.
Футбольчик, мальчики походят на качков
Игра в ножички плавно переходит на улицу
Чё сутулишься? Трапеция — норма
Отработал в спарринге с братаном
С довольным лицом
Ну и что, что помят малость?
Молодость — не старость
Кулаки подкованы немалым стажем
Что скажешь?
Эти люди — короли всех клубов и баров, я знаю
This game does the impossible: making football not be the most boring sport ever
Game is a bit janky at times, and you can't control everything with a controller for some reason.
Its alright for me tacking was fun but the more i played the less funny it became.
Mechanically its a joke both becease its a joke and you need dosh to buy better upgrades to have more power.
Dosh £ you can more of it by doing combos tackle , pass , kick and then score to bank your £.
With mouse its hard to aim but you can get used to it.
The ai takes control of you sometimes.
Un gioco carino di "calcio".
Storia non da Oscar ovviamente, ma piacevole e divertente.
Musiche molto belle e un bel passatempo per qualche oretta.
Un po' buggato, il controller non veniva mai riconosciuto e dovevo sempre rimapparlo ad ogni avvio del gioco, player avversari che ogni tanto non ti facevano toccare la palla per molto tempo perchè facevano passaggi da un lato all'altro del campo, facendosi pure gol ogni tanto.
6.5/10
想吐槽兩點......
1.對滑鼠鍵盤玩家不友善。
2.為啥基本技能需要購買，這蠻傻眼。
遊戲給我感覺更像是網頁小品遊戲這類型的...
Very irritating music and mechanics
Ідеальне відображення футболу, оскільки навіть кожен матч триває лише 6 хвилин або щось подібне,
8 матчів — це забагато, тому що щоразу одне й те саме, тому досить швидко стає втомливим.
Думаю, рекомендую, якщо з якоїсь причини ви хочете відчувати себе так само, як я, дивлячись футбол.
Behold the Masterpiece.
An flash browser game is so much better than this sh17
I have it for free from Fanatical years ago and I played it only to have a game with all the achievements unlocked (it only has 8) and I finally did it after 3 hours.
Game is actually fun, but I would recommend other similar games like pixel cup soccer
Only redeeming quality is the kinda funny story. I feel ripped off and I got it for free. It's not even worth the effort to describe why it's bad, it just is. Avoid.
[h1]Kart Kazanım Merkezi [/h1]
Merhabalar hızlı aksiyon ve futbol tarafında aynı TSUBASA oyunu gibi (tabi o tadı vermeyebilir), kart kazanım isteyen arkadaşlarım bundan faydalanabilirler. Bekleyen arkadaşlarıma selam olsun.
Mouais, c'est pas fou quand même.
GORZEJ NIŻ W FIFIE
I thought it was an interesting idea until I played it, at first it was entertaining then the computer absolutely destroyed me. They have more stamina than I do, they can pass the ball all over the other side, you can make a perfect tackles and when you move again you dont have the ball, the stats are way off. The player switch is the worst, I expected more of this game, fortunately it was free.
I have become the kickmen
Diría que si te gustan los juegos chorra te gustará Behold the Kickmen. Los logros de Steam se pueden conseguir relativamente rápido echándole una tarde y listo.
I really appreciated the humor but the mechanics were not smooth or fun in the least. I'd highly recommend this dev's other games, they're fantastic.
[h1]What is this game about?[/h1]
It's a perfectly fine functioning logical football game.. Developed by stupid American Developer who call it 'soccer' and with a butload of ego.
I am a big supporter of Manchester City and when you Name your football team.. you can't remove the word 'United' from the Board.. so yeah.. it's personal for me.
⭐Story is Sheet and cheesy
⭐Extremely annoying and loud music.. its just plain noise.
⭐Game mechanics is trash.
⭐even if the dev understand football.. he added random noise as background cheering.
.
The only good thing about the game is when you score a goal.. Referee gives you a kiss..
2.5/10 trash.
I'll stick with American football.
4/10
Не сподобаласль.
축구는 노잼
Really funny, easy to get in to, really nice take on the genre. The difficulty does seem to ramp super abruptly - I was flying up the leagues and then out of nowhere I went from high scoring wins to multiple attempts just to scrape a single goal victory.
Irytująca rozgrywka i męczące sterowanie. Zapowiadało się ciekawie a jest słabo.
Interesting take on football, unlike fifa or games alike, this one is actually fun. However, it's not flawless. Especially the AI made me wanna tear my hair out as it's unpredictable and if you don't have enough upgrades it can be rather challenging for you to win.
Fun little story and very good music. Gameplay is wacky fun and game is fun relax with.
bon jeux
[b]This game is as close a depiction of football as Rocket League.
[i]It has some novelty concepts, but sloppy execution.[/i][/b]
So, this is a weird game. It pokes some fun at football concepts with visual novel storytelling, getting pretty absurd at times. It has it's charm and can be pretty fun(ny). Regarding gameplay it does have many cool novelties, like a money making system based on combos (passing, tackling, etc.) and an interesting mechanic with tackling, using precise key pressings.
However, the more you play the game, the more you start thinking about how good it could actually be. There are three main points that makes this game worse than it could be: [b][i]time management[/i][/b], [b][i]lack of controls[/i][/b], and the fact that it's [b][i]single-player only[/i][/b].
[b]• Time management:[/b] the default setting makes it so the games are pretty fast, which could make the combos aspect of the game worse, since you feel like you don't have time to make these combos to acquire more money. You only cash in the money when you score a goal, but getting into half-time or taking a goal resets al the money, so you're into this weird dynamic in which you want to do combos, but also want to make goals as fast as possible, so you always feel like you're being inefficient. You could change the time a match takes, but to do so you need to start story mode from scratch. Also, the game would benefit SO MUCH from an overtime system, because it feels awful when you're close to the goal and the match just ends.
Also, still regarding time management, you don't get anything when you draw a game. It would be good to have some penalty system or something, because you just feel like you lost your time for nothing - which the game even satirize about -, but that's not fun, it's just frustrating, even if it's a satire.
[b]• Lack of control:[/b] you control every player on your team, but only one at once, which is fine. However, the game auto switches the character you control based on closeness to the ball, which is fine by itself, but can be REALLY frustrating not having at least some control on when to change, specially when defending or trying to tackle.
[b]• Single-player only:[/b] well, this one is self explanatory. You won't have many reasons to keep playing the game after getting all achievements or finishing story mode - which last around 2 hours depending on your skill and set time of matches.
Overall the game has many cool novelties and it was worth the experience, but when you feel like thinking more on the potential of the game rather than the moment to moment gameplay is where you feel like the game didn't really hit the mark. Still, the game is worth it if you buy it with [b]75%+ discount[/b].
[b]Behold the Kickmen: 5/10 - AVERAGE[/b]
WHO THE ♥♥♥♥ MAKES A SINGLE PLAYER ONLY FOOTBALL GAME???!!!!
Obviamente quem fez esse jogo, entende porra nenhuma de futebol, o que não me atrapalhou, ja que entendo quase nada também. Me diverti bastante com meu time "Pika Muxas FC"
If you can manage to get this one for free it’s worth trying out but I wouldn’t recommend it for purchase. It was a giveaway over on Fanatical a little while back.
I’ve played for about 1.5 hours, and made it to League One. At this point it became incredibly frustrating. First of all the opposing team (controlled by AI) feels super unbalanced. They can run much faster and longer than your players which gives them control of the ball the majority of the time. Meanwhile the AI for YOUR team is stupid af, they’re never where they need to be. Whenever you do happen to secure the ball there isn’t always someone there to receive it. So the computer has the advantage to plan passes ahead of time while the player does not, this is annoying and contrary to every other sports game I’ve played.
Additionally, how the game determines which player you control makes no sense and can screw you over sometimes. There is no way to swap between team members at will, so more often than not you’ll get stuck with a dude in a suboptimal position for way too long (mostly behind the ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ with the ball where you can’t “tackle” them). I would find myself in the perfect place for a recovery move and then my character would swap without warning. I also don’t understand why it doesn’t immediately switch as soon as you get tackled. Instead you get to sit there stunned while the enemies make off with the ball.
I won’t comment on the plot because I didn’t get far enough into it. The humor, soundtrack and art style of the game are fine; not really my jam personally but I can see that effort was put into it and ik a lot of people find it charming. It’s really just the janky mechanics that break it for me. Whether you score or not is way dependent on RNG and I can’t ♥♥♥♥ with that. I couldn’t care less about soccer btw, I’m not some jaded fan upset that the game isn’t accurate to the real deal. That was actually what was initially appealing about it but I came out of it really disappointed 2/10
Tarzı çok farklı ve şirin bir futbol oyunu . oldukça keyifli.
제작자의 의도가 너무 괘씸하다. 축구게임인데 스텟 노가다를 강요한다.
처음에 몇판 이기다보면 점점 상대팀은 스텟이 너무 차이나서 이기기가 힘들다.
제작자의 공식 오피셜은 그건 당연한거고 이기려고하지말고 돈을 많이 버는데 집중하랜다.
그래서 돈으로 스텟을 올리라고
하지만 돈을 얻으려면 여러번 패스와 기술을 일부러 반복해서 골을 넣어야한다. 하지만 점점 골넣기가 어려워
결국엔 일부러 패작을해 저스텟의 팀과 붙어서 돈 버는데 노가다를 해야한다.
축구게임에서 노가다 강요? 뭔 생각인지 모르겠다
Game is stupid, story is fun enough.
This game could have been quite fun but the lazyness of not adding a very simple thing like mouse support is really incredible.
It would be perfectly usable with a mouse if they just allowed to select the sensitivity and allow to always show the cursor.
Just that.
Instead, they simply decided that "♥♥♥♥ M&K". For a computer game.
It's somewhat good. There's no multiplayer sadly.
Belli ki 90'lı yılların başında çıkmış Sensible Soccer'i referans almış bir oyun. Eğlenceli oynanışı ve esprili diyaloglarıyla oyun sarıyor sarmasına da, bir kaç maç sonrasında monotonluğu hissediyorsunuz.
Doların anasının hörekesi olduğu dönemde bile 8 lira olan fiyatı çok da rahatsız etmeyecek seviyede. Kafa dağıtmak için satın alıp, arada girip oynayabilirsiniz.
BASURA
내가 축구 게임을 많이 안해봐서 태클이나 슛이나 선수 시점이 교체되는 타이밍이 좋은지 좇같은지는 잘 모르겠는데 돈 버는법이 개 좇같다는건 확실히 알 것 같음
Me abure el texto, muy simple pero con pocas alternativas por lo que mejor te ahorras de comprarlo, no es lo peor pero tampoco lo mejor, para jugar un par de partidos, pero para solo quitar el balón y chutar, es muy triste, tampoco tiene nada que llame y el efecto es horrible.
[h1]Cossacks's Gaming Team pozdrawia :)[/h1]
______________________
[b]Kanał discord:[/b]
[url=https://discord.gg/cossacks][/url]
______________________
[b]Grupa STEAM:[/b]
[url=https://steamcommunity.com/groups/CossacksGamingTeam][/url]
______________________
POZOSTAŁE GRUPY:
[b]Profil/strona na Facebook:[/b] [url=https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100088856170178][/url]
[b]Ekipa Rockstar/social club GTA:[/b] [url=https://socialclub.rockstargames.com/crew/cossacks_gaming_team][/url]
[b]Ekipa na GAMPRE:[/b][url=https://www.gampre.pl/zaproszenie/10057b15e19d52023da65b39496c92f5/][/url]
[b]Pluton BF3:[/b] [url=https://battlelog.battlefield.com/bf3/platoon/3307924523369127981/][/url]
[b]Pluton BF4:[/b] [url=https://battlelog.battlefield.com/bf4/platoons/view/4803378264899498555/][/url]
[b]Euro Truck Simulator/TruckerSMP:[/b] [url=https://truckersmp.com/vtc/60251][/url]
🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥
🟥⬜⬜⬜⬜⬜🟥⬜⬜⬜⬜⬜🟥⬜⬜⬜⬜⬜🟥
🟥⬜🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥⬜🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥⬜🟥🟥🟥
🟥⬜🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥⬜🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥⬜🟥🟥🟥
🟥⬜🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥⬜🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥⬜🟥🟥🟥
🟥⬜🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥⬜🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥⬜🟥🟥🟥
⬛⬜⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬜⬛⬜⬜⬜⬛⬛⬛⬜⬛⬛⬛
⬛⬜⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬜⬛⬛⬛⬜⬛⬛⬛⬜⬛⬛⬛
⬛⬜⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬜⬛⬛⬛⬜⬛⬛⬛⬜⬛⬛⬛
⬛⬜⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬜⬛⬛⬛⬜⬛⬛⬛⬜⬛⬛⬛
⬛⬜⬜⬜⬜⬜⬛⬜⬜⬜⬜⬜⬛⬛⬛⬜⬛⬛⬛
⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛
Satyra na temat najpiękniejszego sportu świata w formie (nie)przystępnej indie gierki to coś, czego odpowiednika raczej nie znajdziemy za bardzo na rynku, a przynajmniej ze świecą czegoś takiego szukać. Po samych screenach z gry byłem całkiem zauroczony, wyobrażając sobie prostą w gameplayu, ciekawą odsłonę piłki nożnej, która zaskoczy mnie kompleksowością samej mechaniki i rozwoju klubu, dając przy tym trochę oddechu piłkarskiej kategorii w nieustannej batalii pomiędzy FIFĄ a Pro Evolution Soccer. Czy bardzo się pomyliłem?
Oj, bardzo potężnie. Choć niepokoje zaczęły się już na etapie problemów ze zgodnością Xboxowego kontrolera, początek wciąż zapowiadał się całkiem nieźle. Duże poczucie humoru widoczne jest właściwie od startu, gdzie wita nas informacja o braku znajomości zasad piłki głównego twórcy, towarzysząc nam już nieustannie w żartobliwych dialogach, dziwacznych określeniach albo nietypowych, wymyślonych zasadach piłki nożnej. Generalnie można dość odważnie uznać, że komiczność całego przedsięwzięcia to jego duży atut, który sprawnie pokierowany mógłby finalnie przerodzić się w istotny filar całej produkcji... Tylko że musi być jakieś "ale", prawda?
No musi, a tym "ale" jest fakt, iż gra jest po prostu mało grywalna. Bo dopóki całość trzymała się szczątkowej historii, samouczka czy choćby widoku zarządzania zespołem, to wszystko było we względnym porządku - widać, że ktoś miał na to pomysł, chciał zaimplementować kilka ciekawych rzeczy, zrobić coś innego niż reszta. Po tym jednak jak zaczęliśmy już grać, nie było odwrotu: AI oszukuje, na początku nasi piłkarze są wolni i mają mniej umiejętności niż przeciwnicy, zasady są niejasne, a całość frustruje i nie ma żadnego ciekawego punktu zaczepienia, na którym można byłoby oprzeć cokolwiek w szeroko rozumianym pojęciu zabawy.
Pierwszy mecz to rywalizacja z jakimiś kompletnymi łamagami, które ledwo poruszają się po boisku, typowa rozgrzewka. Łoimy ich więc 20 do zera, ucząc się co i jak funkcjonuje w naszym teamie, a naszym zawodnikom brakuje takich zdolności jak podania, sprint czy podkręcenie strzału. Nie są one jednak konieczne aby wygrać, dostajemy więc parę groszy, nieznacznie ulepszamy ekipę, a potem liczymy na kolejny, względnie normalny mecz. Tymczasem zamiast tego, mierzymy się z drużyną wyżej w tabeli, która... porusza się jakieś 3 razy szybciej, strzela bramki z własnej połowy i nie daje sobie nawet odebrać piłki! W rezultacie nic na tym nie zarabiamy, spadamy niżej w tabeli, aby... znów mierzyć się z "zerami". I tak w kółko, aż do momentu gdy nie nabijemy sobie trochę kasy po co najmniej kilku meczach, aby móc chociaż spróbować rywalizować z tymi wyżej. Nonsens jakich mało.
Zresztą nawet gdyby nie nieuczciwa rywalizacja, wciąż nieszczególnie dużo w tym radochy. Okej, nabijamy jakiś licznik kombinacji, coś tam strzelamy, ale wygląda to wszystko jak jakaś kompletnie losowa kopanina, gdzie zawodnicy zachowują się po prostu głupio. Bramkarze są jedynie na pokaz, oponenci nawet nie próbują reagować na nasze posunięcia z rozwagą, ot zwykłe "kto pierwszy ten lepszy". Opcji w samym trybie fabularnym też nie ma niemal wcale poza ustawieniem formacji, a jest to tak naprawdę jedyny dostępny format gry poza szybkim meczem prosto z poziomu menu; brak tu powtórek, jakichś przeszkód, ciekawych ukłonów w stronę innych sportów - banalna produkcja o miotaniu okrągłego zlepka pikseli za pomocą kilku klawiszy. Szkoda.
Ubolewam tym bardziej, że widzę w tym ogromny potencjał i niemal nieskończone możliwości na zrobienie z tego fantastycznego, groteskowego zwierciadła obecnego, do bólu komercyjnego futbolu. Doskonale rozumiem, że bardziej zaawansowane funkcje bezpośrednio wiążą się z koniecznością poniesienia dodatkowych kosztów, ale niejednokrotnie widywałem gry tworzone przez jedną, dwie osoby, które potrafiły zaintrygować wręcz tłumy graczy, a tutaj chyba nie ma czego szukać ani zapalony fan piłki nożnej, ani nawet jej antyfan, bowiem obaj będą się bawić tak samo źle. Możecie sobie ujrzeć kopacza, pooglądać na stronie sklepu, ale raczej go nie kupujcie.
★★★ 3/5
A perfect representation of football, in that even with each match only being what, 6 minutes long or something, 8 matches is too many because it's the same thing every time so it gets tedious pretty quickly. I guess recommended if for some reason you want to feel much like I do when watching football.
Horribly unfair AI. Don't buy it unless you want to spend hours grinding against frustrating AI to get even a small percentage of the upgrades they have. Literally. The enemy team has almost fully maxed out upgrades while you have almost no upgrades whatsoever. Not worth buying at all, thankfully I received it for free so I didn't lose any money on this garbage.
1000 times better than fifa
КАЙФ ! ИНОГДА ВТЯГИВАЕТ <3 !!!
Behold the Kickmen é um jogo de futebol com gráficos bem simples e seu objetivo principal é vender a copa do mundo (vencer o Brazil Team). Ele possui algumas modificações como campo redondo, a bola não sai pelas laterais ou escanteio, entre outros. O jogo no início é até divertido, mas com o tempo essa diversão irá virar raiva, e digo isso usando três exemplos básicos:
- O goleiro é simplesmente uma mula (inútil até mandar parar);
- Controlar os jogadores é simplesmente penoso (tão penoso que da vontade de parar de jogar a cada gol tomado ou perdido);
- Os times das chaves finais são quase impossíveis de vencer.
Resumindo... para mim esses problemas tiraram toda a diversão e viraram tortura. Nota 2.5/10. Não recomendo!
The most accurate footballering simulator out there!
[i] Behold the Kickmen[/i] – несколько изменённый футбол. Здесь точно такая же цель как в обычном футболе, но правила другие, нет офсайда, за удары по ногам не ругают, а главная механика строится на сильных ударах. Медленно бегущие человечки намеренно усиливают напряжение и ощущение кучи малы, во время прорыва к вражеским воротам. Пни как следует, чтобы оглушить противников и переть к воротам дальше. Во время регулирования силы удара, посредством нажатия кнопки, начинает дребезжать весь экран, что работает лишь во вред. Такие вот неваляшки, бегающие по полю.
Сюжетный режим имеет значительно более упрощенный менеджмент, а также диалоги с режимом выбора реплик, хотя больше всего это похоже на цирк. Графика неплохая, анимации хоть и кажутся неуклюжими, но в целом выглядят нормально, большое количество тёплых цветов, невыразительная картинка и большое количество псевдоэффектов. Звуки простые, музыка надоедает.
Проходите мимо.
un petit mauvais jeu on dirai un jeu codé rapidement
Peut-être que l'humour plaira à ceux qui n'aiment vraiment pas le football. Le jeu ne coûte presque rien je vous recommande d'acheter autres choses , donc même si vous avez envie de vous lancer dans les gags, ce n'est pas un investissement énorme. Même si les blagues font appel à votre sensibilité, je ne peux pas recommander un jeu embourbé par une version aussi abrutissante du sport.
Un carton rouge direct !!!!! .
note 2/10
Amusing dialogue is the best bit of this game. It sometimes comes across a bit classist in the way it describes football fans, and that's something you need to stomach heading in. The actual gameplay must have taken some effort to code, and it's a shame because it's not very good. Even once all skills are acquired, it's over-simplistic, and where directionality is required, really difficult to manipulate. This is exacerbated by the fact that some of the in-game control instructions are simply incorrect, which seems unbelievably lazy.
If I could go through the narrative and have another really basic football game instead (the old flash classic Jumpers for Goalposts springs to mind), I'd be much more inclined to finish it, but after seeing the size of the league, I don't think I can stomach 16 games to beat Brazil United.
No lo pude soportar mas de 10 minutos le juego es terriblemente lento cuando agarras el balón, el tutorial no tiene absolutamente nada que ver con el juego final y como cereza del pastel la IA es absolutamente injusta.
不好玩
--------------
好叭。。。其实还行
球飞的距离越远拿的分越高
后期踢力（大概是第一个？）长起来了以后只要开场冲刺抢球→懵一球大脚打门就能大概率拿2分然后理论上可以循环了
巴西队等一票高面板球队更是离谱能搁着四分之三的球场直接进三分球
这挺没意思的
boring！！！its boring！！！
pretty sure I got this game for free because if I had paid for this I would refund it
Humorous. Will make you smile a couple of times... But ultimately bad, boring, slow, and most annoying of all, the volume options don't seem to work.
Still a better football experience than FIFA, though!
Good game but Al is to much easy.
Game itself is pretty fun, but it gets repetitive after some time
PS: The AI is ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ broken ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
As porcaria do bot ta desbalanceado, o goleiro não faz nada é esses bot faz um gol e conta como 2......
tem hora que o meu time parece que é tudo fominha vai tudo na bola é não fica ninguém na defesa, quando tem alguém eu não consigo controlar a misera, pois não tem um botão pra tocar o jogador que você quer usar......................
Как же это было ужасно)))
4 часа я страдал, пытаясь понять, как в это вообще можно играть, разбираясь в механиках и логике ИИ. Затем ещё за три дошёл до грандфинала.
Реально, но как же искусственно тяжело..
Le concept de base est sympa, mais le gameplay est trop bancale.
At first I loved this game. The mechanics were nice and simple, the humour was great and I loved the odd turns of the story, exactly the kind of stuff I expected from these devs. I thought all the negative reviews were over the top, or based off prior builds or something, because I played on the easiest level as a precaution and went a surprising number of matches without conceding a goal. But then, I got absolutely bodied. See, when you start playing this game, you will likely have one or two little ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ and annoyances with the mechanics. Such as 'why can the opposing goalie instantly kick the ball across the field the second he touches my player even when facing the wrong way'? Or 'how come the mapping keeps giving me the third-nearest player to the ball instead of the closest'? Or 'okay, this player is stunned - shouldn't I get switched to another one now instead of not being allowed to do anything'? Or 'shouldn't my tackle still at least deflect the ball if I hit it after it has been kicked'? The problem is that the later games get so high-paced and frenetic, that these little things stack up very quickly and core mechanics stop working and you can feel like you don't have any agency, just rng.
For example, there is a 'perfect' tackle that can be executed that instantly gives you possession and control of the ball. Unfortunately there are lots of scrimmages where a lot of players clot together, so you can pull off the 'perfect tackle', which makes the game slow down, but by the time you're ready to dodge or pass you have already had the ball stolen back off you almost instantly. Then you can get stuck controlling players two behind the ball, for some reason, while your opponent runs straight up the middle and kicks a goal easily - from a play that started with the best result!
This is further exacerbated by the game's tongue in cheek take of football, which involves including rules that are deliberately unfair and nonsensical. For example, you get a timer that will tell you someone will be ruled offside (randomly) once it is up - it will be whoever is in possession of the ball. To add to this, the timer sounds IDENTICAL to the timer that runs down at the end of the half, so the game can trick you into avoiding the ball during vital plays. Goals are also worth more points from how far away they are scored, basketball-style. This is extremely unfair, given the incredibly slow progress to level up your players, meaning long shots are very, very hard.
The levelling is also pretty ganked, sadly. It's a neat concept - you get points based on styling, successfully tackling, dodging, passing, shots on goal etc - and I think you lose points for sloppy play too - but the points accrue in game to only be banked WHEN YOU SCORE A GOAL. Now, of course, this is football, and true to real life games these tend to be low-scoring matches (at least they are for me, but maybe I suck?) Plus there's also the problem that styling is difficult to do when you are so are weak at low levels. Passing the ball, for example, is a skill that needs to be unlocked at the beginning. In early games you will just kick the ball and hope someone is at the other end. To me it seems like actually winning this game by levelling my team will be a hell of a grind I don't think I can undertake.
In Googling to see if I was missing out on any vital features or keys (such as a 'swap player' button that would be really helpful), I've seen that apparently there are some cheats available to let you go through the visual novel story segments between wins without playing the matches properly. This is very good news, because these sequences are brilliantly funny as I expected from this dev team. And it does tell you that there was some awareness that this game is possibly a bit too imbalanced.
Sorry, Ben, sorry, Dan. Love your stuff and you seem like great blokes, but I can't really recommend this one. Solid concept, patchy execution.
Well at least it was free and the developer clearly has a sense of humour but other than that the game is just rather irritating. The in your face music soon got to me and the fact your players are so bad at the beginning made it all a chore. I played the tutorial and two matches before just packing the whole thing in.
It's a fun little game, AI is a little bit janky and not really challenging.I don't understand the reviewers that say the game is hard. You can finish the game in 2 hours, without losing a match. Just focus on attacking,..
In this game you need to combo passes and chain moves to gain multiplier and you need to get a goal with this to get the money with the multiplier. If you're not scoring, you stay broke.
Also yes, the AI's team usually much more powerful then you, atleast in the early game,, but if it wasn't the case all games would end up 10-0, 20-0. It gives a little bit of challange needed.And you can power up your own team, be much stronger than the enemy. Enjoy beating the poor AI for 2 hours.
[h1]공짜 쓰레기[/h1]
- 파나티컬에서 [b]무료로 배포[/b]했던 게임이다. 돈주고 사긴 쓰레기니, 배포는 받되 구매하진 말자.
- 축구에 농구마냥 2점 슛, 3점 슛이 있다. 패널티 에이리어 밖에서 쏘면 2점, 하프라인 바깥에서 쏘면 3점 슛이다. 미친
- 밸런스가 병x같다. 첫 게임은 아군과 적 동등한 속도로 게임을 진행하지만, 두번째 판부터는 적들이 나루토 보법 스프린트로 "분명.. 보이지 않았는데??"를 시전한다. 도저히 공을 뺏을 수가 없다
- 골키퍼의 중요성을 깨닫게 된다. 시x 병x같은 골키퍼 분명 정면으로 날아온 공인데 못막는다. 그런게 한두번이 아니라 매번인지라 이건 답이 없다 싶어서 걍 껐다.
[b]=> 요약 : 쓰레기 겜, 절때 돈 주고 사진 말자[/b]
No
Controles toscos, el juego te da el control del jugador más lejano posible, los enemigos se buguean en las esquinas, ni disparan ni le puedes quitar el balón
It's like watching FIFA's World Cup...or playing FIFA's and Pro-Evolution videogames...but fun.
A fun little popcorn game to pick up on sale. Somewhat repetitive gameplay, but doesn't take itself terribly seriously and the silly between-game cutscenes are worth the low price of admission.
There is more of the football spirit in this game than in all the Fifa games series.
